Life, Money

Even If I Had All The Money In The World, I Can’t Bring Him Back!

Even If I Had All The Money In The World, I Can’t Bring Him Back! After the highs, the lows! Life is a constant roller coaster. I was so excited, and still am, about my trip to Australia, my work prospect and my life in general. Things are really good right now.

And then, my daughter’s graduation came up. She is graduating from her four years University program in two weeks. It’s a big milestone for her but also for me, as a mother. She decided not to pursue her Masters at this time, so she will be looking for work and probably move out shortly after. I am very proud of what she accomplished over the last four years and how she managed to stay the course. She has become a very smart young woman and I hope she gets to live a very happy life (don’t we all), whatever she decides to do. Her graduation is a major accomplishment for me too, as a parent. I managed to get my first child to start and finish her degree, even with the tragedy that hit us.

It’s on those occasions, I miss their father even more. We miss him every day but some days more than others. It’s the little things that hit you the most, a song he loved, early morning bikers (he loved biking), my son’s smile (he looks so much like his dad).

We spent 22 years of our life together, whether we were separated when he passed away or not, whether we may have had a chance to get back together or not. We shared dreams and talked about our kids’ future together. Things he would do as the girls got older, how he would behave around their boyfriends, when he would walk them down the aisle, the family outings we would do, what we thought and hoped they would accomplish in life. All the things you talked about as loving parents with three amazing kids. My husband was adopted and having his own family was really important to him.

But here I am, all alone for her graduation! And for everything else to do with our kids! Raising three kids ALONE is not easy, even good kids.

Today I am VERY upset with him and I want the world to know! (OK the few of you reading this post I guess)


If you ever feel depressed enough to consider suicide and think you may be doing everybody else a favour…You are NOT! It is devastating to the people you leave behind.

We miss him tremendously, ALL THE TIME. He should be here for our daughters’ graduation, he should be here to balance things out when important decisions have to be made. He should share the highs and the lows of our kids’ lives. Console them or hug them when “mom” is not enough. He should be here to teach our son how to golf, how to shave, how to behave on dates (from a man’s perspective)! He should have been here for our daughter’s high school graduations. And he should be here for FATHER’S DAY!  I know he was looking forward to it all.

I am financially independent, healthy, I have awesome kids, great friends. My new partner is great (even if blended family is no picnic). Overall, my life is, by many standards, really good ! But, no matter what, we still miss him and it doesn’t matter how much money I keep saving, even if I had all the money in the world, I can’t bring him back!

So whatever your goals are, don’t forget to enjoy your life (and your loved ones) TODAY!

Yours truly,

And if you feel depressed or suicidal, reach out and get help. Life will get better with the right support, no matter how bad you think it is.

Related post: How My Husband’s Depression Changed Our Lives Forever

22 thoughts on “Even If I Had All The Money In The World, I Can’t Bring Him Back!

  1. I’m so sorry Caroline 🙁 22 years is a long time together. He is up there and very proud of your daughter for graduating university (congratulations Caroline’s daughter!! Your mama raised a good girl!!) and proud of you for going on with life and living the fullest life you can live.

    Virtual hug!!!!

    1. Thanks Gym:) You don’t have a choice but to keep going, mostly when you have kids.
      I have a great life, I can’t complaint. I was so mad at him this week:( I had to rant, we miss him so much. Life does go on and I hope he is in a better place, seems so unfair to my kids.
      Hope others get the help they need!
      Thanks for the virtual hug:)

    1. Thank you so much for the hugs “internet stranger”!:) or fellow blogger:) I know we will and every milestone will be a reminder of that loss.
      Depression is brutal. It can affect anybody and I don’t think people realize it.

  2. Caroline, congratulations on your daughter’s graduation! Job well done.

    Yeah, I know how you feel. I wish he were there with you folks. Holidays, milestones, even little things could always trigger the memory, and emotions. That’s really true. Take care.

  3. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. Hugs to you.
    Cheers to your daughter for her recent accomplishment. Thank you for the reminder to be present with our loved ones and to get help before making an irreversible decision.

  4. Such a sad story Caroline,
    I hope lots of people read your post and it will help somebody if they are depressed or suicidal.
    Congrats on your daughter’s graduation!

    1. Hi Steve, unfortunately not too many people read my blog but even if I can help one person that would be great. Depression can affect all of us. And hopefully remind all future FIRE, not to forget to enjoy the present! You never know about tomorrow.

  5. I remember when I first read your blog, your post about your husband was one of the first posts. It was so sad to read and hopefully it will help people who are in a depressed or suicidal mindset.
    Congrats on your daughter graduating Caroline! Hopefully that ranting helps you out and that your comfortable to tell all of us.

    1. Lol, yes the ranting helps a bit:)
      Thank you, I am very proud of my daughter’s accomplishment. I just hope she makes the right decisions going forward. It doesn’t matter how old they are, you always worry as a parent.

  6. So sorry for your loss. As you know I lost my father at an early age (14) and it was very difficult on multiple milestones I have since achieved. He wasn’t there for my college graduation but more importantly he wasn’t there for my medical school graduation to show him that I became a doctor to follow in his footsteps 🙁 . Other tough things where you wish he could be there was the birth of my child. I know it will be tough as well when your daughter gets married. Well I wish I could say something that eases the pain but even 34 yrs later there are still things that can trigger a flood of emotions. Hang in there.

    1. Thank you. Yes I did read about the loss of your father and was amazed at how well you managed. As a parent, it’s good to read stories like yours because I always worry about my kids future without their dad. It will always be tough but they will do well:) Thanks again.

      1. Kids are incredibly resilient. My daughter went through a very tough transition (which was chronicled in my financial mistake series with a painful divorce and subsequent lawsuit by her mother who later finally diagnosed with mental illness). She has since come back to me with sole custody and is doing remarkably well in school and social interactions

  7. Well fortunately there is not much catching up to do as I only started the blog in April (and only post 2x/wk). But yeah check out the financial mistake series and let me know what you think. It was hard to start a blog by first writing about your faults rather than your triumphs but I am glad I took that approach

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